Nobody's Top 5 - The Midterm Meltdown Countdown

0:00 I have a bonus episode for you. This is a treat. This is a new crazy idea we had behind the scenes here. This is called Nobody's Top Five. Now, what you're about to hear is all AI generated. This is amazing. The DJs are generated. The jokes are generated. The songs are generated. Now, give this a chance. I'm telling you, because these songs are pretty darn good. Here is the debut episode of Nobody's Top Five. Good evening, America, and good evening to the parts of America that are not technically in our broadcast area, which our engineer tells me is most of it. You are listening to Nobody's Top 5 on 95.5 WAI, and I am Dr. Bobby Fever, the man with the fever. And tonight is a special edition. Tonight is the Midterm Meltdown Countdown.

0:53 Five songs about the election written by people who also could not sleep. Now, if you are like me, you have spent the last three months watching the same four political ads in a row. And I want you to know something. There are no political ads on this program. We checked. Our sales department tried very hard to get some, and nobody would buy. Now, it is customary on this program to begin with last week's number one song. There was no program last week. I have been asked by station management, in writing, on a yellow note stuck to the microphone, not to dwell on that. I will not dwell on it. What I will say is that this week's chart is all new entries. Every single song. Five debuts, and one of them, folks, one of them is sitting at the very top. and we will be discussing how that happened. But we start at number five. Four young men from Normal, Illinois. Their drummer is an orthodontist, and I am told he keeps very good time and does not let you forget it. a song about two neighbors, one lawn sign, and a disagreement that got out of hand.

2:05 Debuting at number five, The Cul-De-Sacs with Yard Sign War. He put one sign out on a Tuesday night. I put up two by the porch light. He went and bought a bigger size. I rented letters eight feet high. Yard Sign War. There's no more. No.

3:35 The Cul-De-Sacs, Yard Sign War. And I want to say something about that record. That is a song about a man who rented letters eight feet high to win an argument with his neighbor. And I have never related to anything more in my life. I won't say what I put on my lawn in 1991. It was a lot. This is Doctor's Orders on 95.5 WAI. And our sales department would like me to tell you that tonight's countdown is brought to you by Gary's Discount Gutters. I have not met Gary. Nobody here has met Gary. Gary paid in cash. Moving on. Up next, a country record. And a sad one. Brenda fronts a band she has never met in person. They record their parts separately, in different states, and they mail them to each other. Which is how the post office has been in the music business all this time and never told anybody. This is a song for anybody whose phone will not stop ringing. Debuting at number four, Brenda and the Robocalls. I already voted. Please stop calling.

4:43 It rang at six. It rang at nine. It rang while I was eating. A voice I know ain't real to me Said my country needs my help this evening I already voted, please stop calling I did it Tuesday in the rain I already voted, please stop calling You can take me off the chain I unplug the kitchen phone I let the cell go to the drawer And somewhere in the server room A machine is dialing me.

5:41 Once more I already voted. Please stop calling There's nothing left for me to give I already voted Please stop calling. Let me live. Oh, let me live. Brenda and the Robocalls. And that's a debut at number four. Brenda, if you're listening, I would like to speak to you in person. And I gather that would be a first for you. Now, this is The House Call on 95.5 WAI.

6:30 And this is the part of the program we call the worst lyric of the week. Each week, a song that did not make our chart. And each week, one line from it. I read it. You consider it. We move on together as a community. This week's line comes from a soft rock record called Absentee, My Heart Mailed It In, by a man named Dale Pruitt. I'll read it twice. You can't spell ballot without all, and you can't spell love without O. You can't spell ballot without all, and you can't spell love without O. Dale. Dale, that is technically true. I'll give you that. That's all I'll give you. Dale Pruitt did not make the countdown.

7:16 This next band did. Nine members, all cousins. They will not tell you which cousins. I have asked. I asked twice, the way I read that lyric twice, and I got the same nothing both times. They sing about the line at the polling place, and if you have stood in one of those, you are going to feel this one in your knees. Brand new at number three. The Provisional Ballots. Precinct 12, line out the door. And a quarter to seven. Brought a folding chair and a thermos tube. And a thermos tube and a thermos tube the man. Said half an hour half an hour. That was half past noon noon precinct twelve precinct twelve line out the door line out the door precinct twelve precinct twelve.

8:06 Can't take no more can't take no more my feet are sore my feet are sore and my cough is cold but I moving, no I ain't moving till they take my name and let me go. Mr. Lawrence brought a casserole. There's a gentleman asleep in the hall. One machine for all of us. One machine. And it's broken down. Precinct 12. Precinct 12. Lying out the door. Lying out the door. Precinct 12. Precinct 12. Can't take no more. Can't take no more. I have aged a year. In a hallway.

8:47 But I. Moving no i ain't moving. Till they take my name and let me go let. Me go let me go let me go let me go four more people four more. People The Provisional Ballots, number three. And, Miss Dolores, wherever you are, I would eat that casserole. I would eat it in a hallway. Friends, this is The Physician of Phonographs, and it is time for the long-distance dedication. This week's letter comes from Lower Pelston, Michigan. I'm going to read it exactly as it was written. Dear Dr. Bobby, My name is Carol, but I am writing on behalf of Biscuit.

9:52 Biscuit is a beagle mix. He is 11. He has never in his life been off a leash in a place made for him. Every morning, we walk past a field behind the Sonic, and every morning, he looks at it, and then he looks at me. I don't know how to explain to Biscuit what a zoning board is. I have tried. On Tuesday, the town votes on whether to build a dog park. and I wanted Biscuit to hear a song about it, in case it doesn't pass, so that he knows somebody tried. Could you please play the one about the dog park for Biscuit? Sincerely, Carol. Carol. Biscuit. I have been doing this a long time, and I have held a lot of letters, and I want you both to know that I am holding this one with two hands. Here is your song, Biscuit. From Municipal Hum, a band with exactly one song, and this is it.

10:49 Debuting at number two, Measure J, Dog Park Now. Two acres by the water treatment plant Fenced and shaded, that's all that we want They said it wasn't in the budget this year But I have read the budget and it's here Measure. J, dog park now. Measure J, dog park now. We are not asking for the moon. We are asking for a gate that shuts and a bench and a place for them to run. I can't do every meeting.

11:30 Since July I have made a slide show, I have made them cry Councilman Ruiz looked at the floor. And said We'll table it once more There is a feud behind the sonic. It is doing nothing It is doing nothing. Measure J, dog park now. Measure J, dog park now.

12:10 Vote yes on J. Vote yes on J. And that's Municipal Hum at number two. And folks, good for the dogs. Good for Biscuit. This is The Bedside Manor on 95.5 WAI. Now, we have one song left on the midterm meltdown countdown. And it is a big one. A debut at number one. I have never seen anything like it. And I have questions. Stay right where you are.

12:54 And I promise you, what comes next is not a political ad. It's gutters. It's always gutters. We'll be back with your number one right after this. Welcome back to the Midterm Meltdown Countdown. This is the Doctor of Love coming to you on 95.5 WAI. Now, I have been doing this a long time. I have never seen a debut like this one. Straight in at the top. No build, no climb, nothing. Four men from a county nobody can pronounce. I have watched that county on television for three straight nights.

13:35 I'm told it's still counting. And a key change that, frankly, should not be legal. And here's a piece of chart history for you. And I find this genuinely moving. This is the first song ever to debut at number one on this program. It is also the only song that has ever been on this program at all, along with the four you already heard. Records are records. We are going to talk about how this happened next week, because something happened. Your number one, The Swing State, Too Close to Call. 12% report and the night is young.

14:16 Made a pot of coffee. That I shouldn't have made The anchor says it's early Says it's far too early But his tie is loose And his face has changed Too close to call Too. Close to call I should be But they keep coming back to that one county that nobody knows. And the graphics froze. A man with a map is touching every screen.

15:23 My wife came down and said, come to bed. Too close to call Too close to.

16:05 Call I have given this my whole entire night And they are gonna. Tell me in the morning When I am not awake. To hear. The swing state. Too close to call. Number one. In its very first week, and I am going to say it, I am going to say it on the air. I have questions. I've asked our overnight man to look into it.

16:59 I have never met our overnight man. I leave him notes. That has been the Midterm Meltdown Countdown, our political edition. And to everyone who has been sent the same text message 11 times asking for $ 5... It's over. You can put your phone down. And I want to be very clear about next week. Next week will not be a political edition. Next week, we are back to normal. Or we aren't. Station management has left me a note about next week. I have read it twice. I don't know what it means. It might be a regular show. It might be something else entirely. Nobody knows. I'm the host and I don't know. Will the swing state hold the top spot? Does municipal hum have a second song? I'm told they do not. And I hear the drummer from the cul-de-sacs has some news, and it involves a second orthodontic practice. That's next week. Our engineer says the transmitter will be fixed by then. He said that last week, too.

18:01 And there wasn't a last week. This has been Dr. Bobby Fever, the prescription on 95.5 WAI. Keep your radio on. and keep your hands where I can see them. This episode of Nobody's Top 5 is a production of Calaroga Media. Executive Producers Mark Francis and John McDermott. AI assistance was used in this production.