Nobody's Top 5 - The Turkey’s Been in the Freezer Since 2019

0:00 Here's a bonus episode for you. Last week, I shared with you the debut of Nobody's Top Five. This is episode two. I love this. As I shared last week, everything you're hearing here is AI generated. The DJ, the songs, the jokes. It is great. And stick around for the first song. Reply All is like a new wave banger. I love it. Here's this week's Nobody's Top Five. Good evening, America. You are listening to Nobody's Top 5 on 95.5 WAI. And I am Dr. Bobby Fever. Take a number. Have a seat. You're in the waiting room. Now. Last week, I told you this would not be a political edition. I want to confirm that.

0:47 This is a regular show. Station management has left me a note to that effect. It says, quote, regular show. It is underlined twice. I have never seen anything underlined twice in this building. There was a second note about last week's chart. It says, no more of that. So, last week's chart has been retired. I don't know where it went. I'm told it's in a better place. That means this week, every song on the countdown is a brand new entry. Five debuts. I have never seen anything like it. And I said that last week too. Thanksgiving is coming, and I can feel it in the building.

1:29 Somebody has put a paper turkey on the door of the engineer's room. The engineer says it was not him. The engineer says a lot of things. We start at number five. Three people from the fourth floor of a company they will not name who met when someone hit reply all and never stopped. New at number five, the middle managers with reply all. Someone sent a calendar invite to the whole. Company at midnight. Then someone answered, who is this? And then the floodgates opened wide. Reply all. Reply all. Please remove me from this list.

2:16 Reply all. Reply all. 4,000 people asked the same, please remove me. Reply all.

3:27 The Middle Managers. Reply All. I received that song 4,000 times this week. This is 95.5 WAI. And our sales department would like me to tell you that tonight's countdown is brought to you by Mattress Kingdom. Mattress Kingdom is between locations. Mattress Kingdom has paid for this announcement in store credit at a Mattress Kingdom, which will open. I'm told it will open. Moving on. At number four, a new entry. I'm told it's seasonal. I'm told it comes back every year whether we want it or not. Two men and a gourd from a strip mall outside Akron. Gourd Almighty with Pumpkin Spice is back.

4:10 No. That was Gourd Almighty at number four. That is as much of it as we are going to do. It is on the chart. I can't take it off the chart. Nobody can take it off the chart. I have checked. I asked the station manager and he left me a note that says, It's the chart, Bobby. He's right. It's the chart. Now, it is time for the worst lyric of the week. A song that did not make our chart. One line from it. And I have news. Dale Pruitt is back. Dale was on this segment last week. Dale has written a Thanksgiving record. It is called Gravy on Everything. I'll read it twice. You're the gravy on my mashed potato heart, and I'm the lumps.

5:09 You're the gravy on my mashed potato heart, and I'm the lumps. Dale. Dale, you were the lumps last week, too. Moving on. We have a new entry at number three, and it is the first Thanksgiving record of the season. Three men from Plymouth, Massachusetts, who have been waiting since 1994 to be moved to the grown-ups table. They have not been moved. This is about that. New at number three, second helping, the kids table, I'm 41. They set it up beside the stairs, a card table and folding chairs. My nephew's six, my cousin's nine, and I.

5:57 The kids table. I'm 41. I own a home. I have a son. The kids table. They pass me nothing. I ask for stuffing. And got a juice box. Laughing down the hall uncle rey won't take my call i brought a pie i brought a wine they took the wine and said that's fine next year next year they. Say next year they've said it for 11 years.

7:14 Second Helping at number three. Gentlemen, I sat at the kids' table until I was 38. It gets better. It doesn't, but I'm told it does. Friends, this is Dr. Fever making his rounds, and it is time for the Long Distance Connection. You write to me from far away, and I read your letter out loud with the respect it deserves. This week's letter comes from Duluth, Minnesota. I'm going to read it exactly as it was written. Dear Dr. Bobby, My name is Pam. I am writing on behalf of Gerald. Gerald is a turkey. Gerald has been in our chest freezer since 2019. Every year we say, this is Gerald's year.

8:00 Every year we have a smaller gathering than we planned and Gerald goes back in. He has outlasted two freezers. He was moved between them by my husband, carefully, in a cooler, at night. This year my sister is coming with her new boyfriend and his kids, and I think this might be it. Could you please play the song about defrosting for Gerald so that he knows it's time? Sincerely, Pam. P.S. We may have ham. Pam. Gerald. I have held a lot of letters at this desk. And this is the first one I've held that was addressed to a turkey. It won't be the last. Here's your song, Gerald. New at number two, The Thaw. Defrost, the turkey still frozen.

8:48 It's Wednesday night, 1110. I've checked the turkey once again. I left it in the sink all day. It's colder now than yesterday. Defrost. Baby, defrost. I'm begging you. Defrost. Twelve people coming here at noon. And you're a bowling ball in the tub. Defrost. Baby, defrost. Oh, oh, oh.

9:36 I read the bag. It said prepare. My mother says she told me so. She told me so in June. I'm begging you. Twelve people coming here at noon. And you're a. Bowling ball in the tub Oh.

10:22 The Thaw at number two. Gerald, if you're listening, you're not. You're a turkey. We have one song left and it is your number one. We'll be back with it right after this. Stay where you are. Mattress Kingdom will be with you shortly. It's between locations. Welcome back to Nobody's Top 5. This is 95.5 WAI. Now. Last Sunday, the clocks went back an hour. Everyone in America was given one extra hour, free and clear. The station manager has asked every member of staff to account for theirs. Mine is under review. And here's a piece of chart history for you, and I find this genuinely moving.

11:11 This is the first song in the history of this program to reach number one in a week when every song was a debut. It is also the second song ever to debut at number one. The first one we don't talk about anymore. Four men who got an extra hour and spent it in a recording studio making this. Your number one. Standard Time. I got an extra hour and I wasted it. Clocks fell back on sunday. They gave us all an hour. I could have learned the cello i could have built a tower i got an extra hour and i wasted.

11:57 It i spoke to someone's vacation and i I'll give it back in spring. I couldn't call my mother. I couldn't clean the gutters. I stood in front of the open fridge. The microwave's still set. It's an hour ahead. Nobody knows how to change it.

12:38 Nobody's tried. I got an extra hour and I wasted it. I watched a man restore a shovel and I wasted it. 60 minutes free and. I'll give it back in spring. Standard Time Number one, they wasted it, and they wasted it well. Now, Thanksgiving is coming, and station management has left me another note. This one is about our Thanksgiving show.

13:24 It says, quote, parade? With a question mark. I don't know if that's a question or a plan. I don't know who would be in a parade. We don't have a float. We have a van. The van doesn't start. Next week on Nobody's Top 5. Can standard time hold the top spot? Will second helping be moved to the grown-ups table? They will not. Will Gerald defrost? We'll be in touch with Pam. And the cul-de-sacs have not been heard from since their drummer opened his second practice. I'm told he's very busy. I'm told there's a waiting list. This has been Dr. Bobby Fever on 95.5 WAI. You've been discharged. Keep your radio on and keep your hands where I can see them. This episode of Nobody's Top 5 is a production of Calaroga Media. Executive Producers Mark Francis and John McDermott. AI assistance was used in this production.